The media tells us we aren't spending enough time with our kids. However, I'm beginning to wonder if we're not spending too much time and money on our children.
The idea of spending too much time (or money) and our children seems ridiculous in this modern age of child first living. Aren't we supposed to spend every spare minute with our child? Aren't we supposed to laugh and clap and encourage their self esteem?
Joseph Epstein doesn't think so. In his recent article entitled The Kindergarchy, he contrasts his upbringing with that of the modern child. It's not the first time an "old timer" has written about how much society's attitude regarding children has changed.
Children used to go outside and play almost all day with little supervision. Now parents are told that we must watch our children every minute, lest they fall prey to the neighborhood molester. Heaven forbid if we don't have a video camera trained on them every second to catch every last giggle, burp and fart.
Money
In my opinion, this is insane. My house is filled with toys. My wife purchased 99% of them from rummage sales so it's not the expense, it's the extravagance. My boy has more toys at 16 months than I had my entire life. He has videos (Barney and Blue's Clues, etc). He has his own imitation cell phone, laptop computer, kitchen set, 3 bicycles. It never ends.
Think about all the TV and video production especially for children. Nickelodeon, Disney, PBS, Baby Einstein, the list goes on and on. We got 3 channels when I was a kid. I did watch my fair share of Saturday morning cartoons but my mom was always kicking me out of the house to go play.
If you're buying toys and videos and clothes from the store, you're wasting a lot of money. First of all, your kid doesn't need all that crap (and neither does mine). Second, you're blowing a lot of money on plastic. Your kid's not going to play with that toy very long, anyway. I've notice our son plays with cardboard boxes far longer than he plays with most of his electronic gizmo's.
Oh and those cute clothes from Baby Gap? Junior spilled grape juice on his new outfit and ruined it. Now mommy's upset about a stupid outfit. Don't think this happens? I could tell you a few horror stories from my wife's tour of duty as an early childhood teacher. Parents go psycho over their kids clothing. It's not natural.
Time
If money is a small problem, time is huge one. No one has enough time. If you both work, you must find care for your child. More than likely your kid will attend day care more than eight hours a day. I think mothers feel especially guilty about that. However, it's not just mom's problem.
An unholy alliance of child experts and the media are waging a guilt war on the American public. We don't spend enough time with our children, we're responsible for global warming and two tribes in Africa are trying to kill each other - AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! No wonder so many of us are on anti-depressants.
The truth is that unless he's locked in the closet for 8 hours a day, he'll probably be just fine. You don't have to be there for every thing. Let go of the guilt. You're life as an adult needs to come first. Wow, that's heresy in these times of baby beauty pageants and child psychologists.
I'm not advocating that you don't spend time with your children. Far from it. I'm advocating that you put everything in perspective. I'm advocating that you drop the guilt. You don't need to be your child's best friend. Instead you need to be a parent to your child. Discipline is important, both for you and the child.
When I asked my mother for some advice, she told me what her mother told her. Keep them warm, keep them dry, keep them fed, the rest will take care of itself. Grandma didn't let anybody go to bed hungry. She raised 9 children. The state recognized her for her prodigious achievements at procreation. At the time the state wanted to know how many descendants she had. Mom told me they had difficulty tallying the number because of divorces, deaths, etc.
So a lady that raised 9 kids and countless grand children and great grandchildren had some pretty good advice. At the end of the day just getting the basics handled is enough. Don't worry if you didn't have time to play basketball and make it to that soccer game.
You're Not Helping
In fact by rushing to every event, catching every burp on tape, I think you're giving your child an inflated sense of their own worth. I've seen this in some of my students and in some interns and job shadows. We're raising a generation of self important cynical smart asses.
So all that time and affection are producing children with stunted coping skills. Many employers are commenting on how parents of their new employees are getting involved in the workplace. What the hell is that about? If you're calling your kids boss to complain about something expect your child to lose their job. I would fire that person right away. I don't need some one's baby working for me. I need an adult.
What to Do?
Give yourself credit for getting your kid bathed, dressed and fed. Give yourself credit for earning a good income so your child can go to a good school. Give yourself credit for having a good job with medical insurance in case something happens to them.
Put your life in perspective. If your whole life is about your child, what's going to happen when they go to school? Are you going to follow them to campus? Are you going to do their homework for them? Are you going to get them dates and go on their job interviews?
Let your child develop. Don't hover; try not to interfere as much. In the end it's better for both of you.
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